Imagine you’re at a farmer’s market. You’re standing near a pastry stand, witnessing an interaction between the seller and a customer.
The customer asks if he can buy a croissant at half price. The seller nods, bagging the pastry and handing it over with a smile. But as the customer walks away, the seller’s face morphs into a grimace. She mutters under her breath: “Why would he ask me that? I really wanted more for that pastry... I feel kind of taken advantage of.”
Throughout the day, more customers come to the stand. The seller begins offering discounts on all of her pastries, because she can tell it makes the customers happy—and it makes them like her. But at the end of the day, her pastry box is empty and she’s barely recouped her costs.
As the sun sets, the seller looks drained and weary, breaking down her stall with heavy sighs and a pained expression. She feels frustrated, depleted, and most of all, resentful at the customers.
Now, tell me: Would you consider her kind?
One of the most common fears I hear from folks who are trying to break the people-pleasing pattern is that, if they stop over-giving and self-sacrificing, they won’t be kind anymore.
But breaking the people-pleasing pattern—and learning how to set boundaries—is the only way to be genuinely kind.
Here’s why.
People-pleasing behaviors are rooted in:
Obligation
Guilt
Compulsion
Scarcity
When we people-please, it’s because we feel like we can’t say no. It’s not that we’re making a noble choice, informed by our values, to give of ourselves. Our time, our listening ears, our assistance, our money, and our bodies are given out of compulsion, not choice.
Oftentimes, after we make a public show of this “kind” giving, we return to our private spaces and express exhaustion, frustration, and resentment. We feel more disconnected from our beneficiaries than we did before.
In our inability to set boundaries, we might even demonize them as “rude,” “self-centered,” or “taking advantage,” essentially expecting that they would have somehow mind-read our invisible discomfort and acted accordingly.
This is not what kindness looks like.
Kindness is rooted in:
Desire
Goodwill
Choice
Abundance
When we give out of kindness, it’s because we could say yes or no, and chose, of our own free will, to say yes. We had two options, and in that moment, our values led us to consciously prioritize another person.
We weren’t mindless actors following a preprogrammed script; we were conscious agents choosing kindness.
After giving to another person out of kindness, we feel light and satisfied. We may be tired or sore, but alongside the exhaustion are typically feelings of happiness, goodwill, and connection. How we acted publicly aligned with how we felt privately.
Until we can comfortably set boundaries around our giving, we cannot claim to give out of kindness.
Our “yes” doesn’t mean anything until we can also say “no.”
When I was deep in the people-pleasing pattern, I could never give out of kindness because I was constantly depleted, exhausted, and resentful. My modus operandi was over-giving. It wasn’t a choice.
When I learned how to set boundaries, was I able to experience the joys of genuine kindness for myself for the first time. And I couldn’t believe how good it felt.
For example: A friend would ask me to pick her up from the airport. If it posed too extreme an inconvenience to my schedule, I would say no. If I could and wanted to pick her up, I would say yes—and, driving her home on Highway 5, I would feel the happiness of our connection mixed with the satisfied lightness in my chest that I’d done a good, kind deed.
Contrast this image with a guilt- and obligation-based “yes”, which would look something like this: Me, driving anxiously and tiredly on Highway 5, half-listening as my friend told me about her trip while internally anxious, resentful, and wondering how the hell I’d get everything done I’d hoped to that day.
The difference is night and day.
When we learn to set boundaries and adhere to our limits, previously suffocating concepts take on new meaning.
Kindness.
Loyalty.
Generosity.
Compassion.
Before, these concepts felt like tiny prisons because we were forced to live within them and could not imagine an alternative. But as we heal, they become values that we can consciously embody.
It’s all about choice. As we heal, we can experience and feel our goodness because we’ve made the grounded, clear-minded choice to give. I can say from experience that the feeling of being truly kind is lightyears apart from the “kindness” that results from people-pleasing.
It’s a feeling that breeds integrity and self-respect, both for ourselves and those we’re giving to.
Ready to learn how to set boundaries and become truly kind?
Enrollment for The Say No Club, my 6-week, 25-member group coaching program that teaches you to master the art of boundary-setting, ends on September 10 at midnight PT. Learn more and register here. Need financial assistance to enroll? Email me at hailey@haileymagee.com and we’ll hook you up!